So, how are you doing?

My friend says what’s happening with you and I said nothing, I don’t do anything and she said why.

I was quiet for a while. How to answer. So much went through my head.

I just said I didn’t like to leave the house.

What I didn’t say was …

Let’s say I “do something” like get involved with some group. I spend time and effort and money. I invest my self, my dreams, my energy, my heart. My family makes sacrifices so I can pursue my dream. I support my friends, make alliances, put my money where my mouth is, standup for and defend my friends, am loyal. Spend years and tears. All I do is set myself up again for the fall. Its better not to get involved. And since you never know where the slightest contact will lead one has to limit contact and involvement.

The problem with limiting contact is that pretty soon there is no contact and lack of involvement becomes a distancing between oneself and the world. It’s as though one stands outside the world and looks in.

There is also a paralyzing fear of the unknown. Looking around every corner, over every shoulder, at every glance wondering what lies behind it, when the other shoe will drop, when the piano will fall on your head.

Sometimes one cannot leave the room one is in.

Sometimes I’ll plan to go somewhere or do something. Sometimes it’s something special, like lunch with a friend, or a trip into town or a visit to an art exhibit. Sometimes its just go to the store to pickup cat food, or to the library to return books.

I’ll shower and wash my hair, get dressed and put on jewelry. Then I’ll find myself sitting on the sofa or the side of the bed 10 or 20 minutes or even an hour later, with my hands in my lap staring down at nothing. I’ll think, did I take my medication last night, have I skipped it too many times this week. Maybe I should have an energy drink or a cup of coffee, and then I can get going. But I just sit there and think, I don’t really want to (fill in the blank). I can do it later today or tomorrow. I’m too hesitant to even move from my seat for a while. Then I lay down, or take off my shoes and shut the front door. I can breathe again.

I’m okay when I’m with other people.

I’ve never been able to explain this to my friends before, all two of them. I don’t think they know how bad it is. I didn’t tell them enough, or I told them too much and they just wished I’d shut up. I think that’s what I’ve done with my husband and children.

I tried to tell them how it is, but they don’t understand, they can’t see, because I’m better at hiding when I’m have an audience. So they don’t see the terrible paralyzing fear that I live in all the time. I guess that sort of explains my anger and my reactions when someone leaves. Then I try to freeze them so that it stops being an open wound. This doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but I know what I mean.

I want to break out, I want to stop. I must have hope. That must be why I still go on.

2 Comments

  1. btrflyphnx said,

    August 4, 2010 at 6:01 PM

    I know what you mean.
    I’ve become a great procastinator for this, going out only when I absolutely must…for groceries, auto needs, or for my job…when the day is done and theres no work on the weekends…I can be found on the Internet…everything I need is here…the news…sights…virtual friends…movies…prayers…music…
    I refuse to apologize, I’m okay with this…but I think sometimes I should be doing something more…I make the plans in my head…and when it comes time to do it…um…I can be found on the Internet…thinking, another day I’ll do it.

    Like

  2. A. Chronometrist said,

    August 6, 2010 at 12:32 AM

    You too? I get that way sometimes. The place is a mess, I have errands to do, Things pile up and I sit with my hands folded and think “I really need to(—–), and it doesn’t get done. I feel shame and disgust, but I let it slide anyway. Something like that?

    Like


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