May 13, 2010 @ 21:07

I recognize what’s happening to me the way I feel this deadened desensitized dislocation avoidance it’s the way I was before I finally first broke, back when my daughter left and momma died

I spend a lot of time feeling like this stopped in space and time without anything but the ground where my feet are that is real that I can count on to be there in the next second and even if that ground was kicked from me wherever I land then that bit of ground I never felt as if I was falling off just as if I was stuck like Han Solo frozen in a block of stone not even a silent scream on my face not even carefully schooled absence of expression because I have no expression there is nothing here in my face there is nothing here in my soul

I am self aware

I know that I stand on the edge of a canyon that is bottomless and filled with nothing and that is my soul

I know that there is nothing inside of me

What I don’t know

What I’ve never known is why

Sometimes I believe I am a classic psychotic that I don’t have human emotions that I am not really human in the sense that the rest of you are

I’ve often wondered if I ever love if I know what it is or if I am a very clever so clever that I convince myself mimic

I’ve committed acts acts have been committed against me which I am led to believe would destroy most people

Things have happened to me that have destroyed other people yet I don’t feel them

I’ve described myself as a rock in the stream that is life and the stream washes over me and around me but does not move me does not change me except infinitesimally

I sit here with this dead space here between my breasts and know that is where the heart is

I sit so still I do not breathe until nature presses in my chest and pushes the air out and air rushes tin to fill the vacuum it abhors

But the vacuum of my soul and mind is not filled

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